I can’t even remember when I last wrote a piece of flash. Nice to get into the groove again by participating in Microcosmsfic 53. Awarded runner-up, here’s what the judge had to say: “Memories of Douglas Adams’ anti-hero, the double-headed Xaphod Beeblebrox, are evoked in this tale of the struggle with substance abuse and a radical solution.”
I had to incorporate smoker, weight loss, and sci-fi into a story themed around New Years resolutions. And without further ado…
“Psst. Hey, hey there,” called the thing in the grey overcoat from the stoop.
Raining cats and dogs, I, with only one hat, didn’t take the bait, and kept my heads down.
It clambered over the railing and I could tell by the slick scraping behind me it walked on tentacles.
“Dude, hey man. You should try this shit. It’ll take your head for quite the spin. First hits on me.”
“No man, I don’t smoke.”
The sensible part of me said to keep on going, not to stop. The other side of me—the one that always got me into trouble—laughed at me and said, “Come on, you can quit again tomorrow.”
How many times had I said that? A hundred? A thousand?
One more’s no big deal. Who knows? Could be fun. Sounds fun.
No, no. I want to get healthy this year. Maybe even lose some weight.
“Come on. You don’t know what you’re missing.”
Hear that? What do I always say?
That’s right, no regrets.
Shut up and let him be will you? He’s trying to make positive changes in his life.
I wanted to clamp my hands over my ears, but I only had half as many as I’d need.
Keep going, keep walking. Don’t pay attention to either one of them. I looked at my other half and said, “You’re stupid.”
Then the other half said to the other, “You’re nothing but dead weight.”
I turned round, said okay, and took a big delicious hit.
And God-damn, blow me down! Shit was tight.
I smile now when I look in the mirror. I lost that weight.
I feel better than ever. Look damn good too.
Though I sometimes miss my sensible side, it’s nice to have just one head again.